Close Enough To Perfect
by heyalexia
Summary: It’s six years after Emma’s death, Mutant X has disbanded, and Jesse Kilmartin has lost the love of his life. Now, he is left alone and confused as to what has happened to his life and the person he has become.
1. In A Moment

**Title:** Close Enough to Perfect.  
**Fandom:** Mutant X  
**Characters:** Jesse.  
**Rating:** R for later chapters.  
**Summary:** It's six years after Emma's death, Mutant X has disbanded, and Jesse Kilmartin has lost the love of his life. Now, he is left alone and confused as to what has happened to his life and the person he has become.  
**Warnings:** None, really, but keep in mind, this is AU. :x  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own Mutant X or anything related to it. I simply like to twist things around to apease my strange little mind. : Enjoy! And please, I like reviews!

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Nothing seemed the same anymore. It was hard to imagine now, that just a few years ago, life had seemed as close to perfect as it could possibly get for someone like Jesse Kilmartin. Yeah, there was the fact that every day he woke up, he consciously knew that he'd be putting his life on the line, but it was what he did, what they did. They were a team, they were out saving the world, protecting people from things that most probably had no idea existed. It was fun, though, and he'd finally found a family who accepted him. And a woman who loved him.

That was then, though, and this? Well, this was now. It seemed like everything had gone downhill since Emma had died. For a while, he'd held it together pretty well, living each day as it came, never really caring too much about what the future would hold. After a while life had become so routine, bland, boring. It went on like that for years, until, after a while, he just wasn't able to take it anymore. Too much had happened because of him, too much had happened to him.

And now he was here. Sitting alone in the corner of the small, local pub, a beer clutched in his hand as his eyes darted over the day's paper. Sighing, he folded the paper, pushing it across the table before raising the beer glass to his lips. For a brief moment, sky blue eyes gazed around the crowded bar before returning to the wall directly in front of him. He groaned, slumping down slightly in his chair, his mind wandering, wondering how his life had come to this.

What had come of his teammates? Of Shalimar and Brennan and Lexa? And what of Adam? The last time they'd seen each other had been more than three years ago. Once upon a time, they thought they'd be together forever. But isn't that how it happens in all fairy tales? People find the closest thing to perfection and settle, live happily ever after, right? This wasn't a fairy tale, though. It was life. And in life, things happened: people fall in love, grow up, get distracted and move away. His mind wandered again, thinking of the good times and the bad, thinking of all that he'd done, the thing's he'd seen, the things he knew, the people he'd hurt or even killed.

The people he hurt. The one's he'd lost... Oh God.

There was a familiar tinge of pain in the pit of his stomach. It moved up his chest, slowly like a virus, until it hit his heart, and he could feel it breaking all over again. Slowly, he raised his free hand, brushing his fingers absently over the aching spot on his chest before rubbing his eyes and letting it drop back, limply by his side.

That was the last person, the last thing that he'd wanted to think about: _Her_.

With her light blonde hair and gray-blue eyes, wise beyond their years and that smile. The one that could put him at ease in even the most stressful of situations, that made him feel like he could melt or float away into oblivion and never care. The way she always smelled lightly of lavender and vanilla. He could remember the fluidity in her movements, in everything she did: the way she danced, the way she walked, in everything she did. It was like a soft falling snow, and it fit her well, so full of grace and beauty, and yet, there was a hidden danger in it. He could almost feel the touch of her soft, cold fingers on his skin, of her lips grazing over his, her hot breath on his neck.

But she was gone now, and that was a long time ago.

There was a lump in his throat. A soft sigh slid off his lips and fell as he sunk further down in the chair. It was times like these that he wished that he could just disappear. Dissipate into thin air. Part of him secretly hoped that the floor would just open up and swallow him whole and put him out of his misery. But that wasn't going to happen. And he was stuck here with his thoughts. How had life come to this?

It'd been six years since he'd seen her, she'd left not long after Emma had died. Six very long years. He never knew why she left. Had he hurt her somehow? Or was it simply because she wasn't able to bare the pain of losing her best friend. And it seemed, for a while, that he was okay, that he could hold on somehow, and bury himself in his work, keeping busy and hiding from the rest of civilization in the dark corners of the labs in Sanctuary or down in one of the ducts in the Helix. That maybe, if he fought hard enough, the memories of her would just fade away and disappear.

At one point, it seemed like he'd actually succeeded, that he'd finally gotten over her. And it seemed that he'd finally be able to feel close to someone again. It worked for a while the relationship he and Lexa had developed. They were close, and she made him feel almost whole again. _Almost. _There was always something missing, though.

And then it had happened. Everything had fallen apart and everyone had parted ways.

He shook, forcing himself back into reality. Trying his damnedest to keep his mind off of those things. Think of anything other than all of that: Football scores, work, that movie he'd gone to see with the girl he'd met at the new club on Foster last weekend.

Fact of the matter was, though, that he didn't really care for football, or his current job with the FBI, or that girl or the fact that he'd never called her back. He sighed deeply and stood, leaving the beer bottle on the table as he wandered over and grabbed a pool cue from the rack on the wall.

The bartender walked over to him and set another beer on the corner of his pool table as he racked up the balls.

"You okay, Jess?" she asked, her voice ringing with a soft concern. He'd been coming to this bar since he first moved to DC, and she knew him well, they'd become rather close.

He laughed softly and shook his head, looking up at her from where he was leaning over the table. "Honestly speaking, Kel? I've been better, but what can I say? Life's shitty sometimes. I'll get over it."

"You sure? I'm on break in a few minutes if you want to talk about it."

He looked up at her and shook his head. "Yeah, I'm fine," he replied with a shrug. "It's old baggage, anyway. I gotta work through it myself."

"All right," she said, almost reluctantly. She smirked, and shook her head. "My offer still stands, though. You know where to find me if you need to talk, 'kay?"

He shrugged in reply, lining up his shot. In one swift movement, he broke, the balls scattering over the green felt, a few falling into the side and corner pockets. Kelly stood there on the other end of the table, watching him closely as he surveyed the placement of various shots. He picked up the beer bottle and took a sip, placing it on a nearby table as he leaned over and absently hit another ball into the right corner pocket on the opposite side of the table.

She shook her head again and turned around, walking back toward the bar and busying herself with mixing a drink for one of the several people sitting there, waiting for her.

He hadn't even noticed the sound of the door creaking open behind him, or at least, he hadn't until he noticed that he'd never heard it shut. However, he didn't bother looking up and instead went back to figuring out his next move. Finally, the door shut and he shook his head. It was cold outside, and whoever had been standing in the doorway had been letting the heat in the bar out.

"Mind if I join you?" asked a voice from behind him.

He turned, his eyes wide in disbelief. "Oh my God."

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To be continued…. 


	2. I Was So Close

**Disclaimer:** Once again, I swear, I'm only borrowing Mutant X to play with them. Because they're fun. :p

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"Mind if I join you?" asked a voice from behind him.

He turned, his eyes wide in disbelief. "Oh my God."

* * *

It had all happened like a blur. One minute, he was leaned over the pool table, lining up a rather tricky shot, and the next, here he was, eyes wide, mouth hanging open like some redneck pervert at the Playboy Mansion out of nothing more than awe and disbelief. He took a step back, stumbling into the pool table, dropping his stick to the ground, which landed with a _clatter, _muffled against the carpeting. Hands quickly caught himself on the edge of the table, knocking the beer off, all of this a rather astounding display of how even the most charismatic people can sometimes be dumbstruck and clumsy at some point. And, if this were real, he'd have to say, his demeanor wasn't unwarranted.

There she was, standing right in front of him. As plain as day. Jesse blinked, not moving an inch, simply looking her up and down, trying to convince himself that this was really happening. If it really was her or if he'd simply dreamed her into life? Was she just some horrible, three-dimensional figment of his imagination, here to haunt him with reminders of the past and promises of happy endings? Or was she real? She looked real enough. Those eyes, those lips, that flawless skin that the light just seemed to dance off of. Her light blond hair, wavy today and falling around her shoulders. He could even smell the soft scent of her perfume. She smiled nervously, letting out a small, uncomfortable laugh, obviously a bit unsure of what to do next, herself.

And then, what if it really was her? Then what was he supposed to do, how was he supposed to react? There was a part of him that was so angry and so hurt and so battered because she'd left him without so much as an good-bye, let alone some sort of explanation. Deep down, he knew that she must have had her reasons for going, but how was he supposed to feel? Then, though, there was an overwhelming urge, growing inside of him. One that just wanted to reach out and hug her as tight as he could and never let her go, because, he thought, that if he did, then she would simply float away, just the dream that he was so afraid she was, and again, he'd be left alone and broken.

Slowly, almost hesitantly, he reached out a hand, brushing his fingers over her pale, wind-burned cheeks.

"Ryann?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper. "Is it … is it really you?"

A soft smile, _that_ smile, crossed her pink glossed lips and she laughed softly, that same old, cheerful, airy laugh that he still remembered perfectly taking his hand in hers. "Yeah, Jess," she replied softly, her smile turning into a nervous grin, shrugging slightly as she attempted to hold back the tears threatening to slip from her eyes. "It's really me." A tear ran down her cheek as he took her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

"I can't believe it," he muttered. "What are you doing here?" he asked, almost hesitantly.

She chuckled softly, sniffing. "Believe it," she replied, curling her arms around him and holding him tighter than ever before, so afraid that if she let go, he'd run away. "I got a job as head researcher at one of the government's genetics labs," she replied. "It was the biggest thing I was offered since I left the Underground and moved back to Seattle doing tech development only amused me for so long. So," she shrugged. "Here I am," she laughed softly, sadly.

It seemed like an eternity that they stood there together, just holding each other, Ryann sobbing softly on his shoulder, Jesse's head laid gently above hers, pressing a kiss onto her crown and absently running his hand up and down her spine, trying to calm her.

"I've missed you so much," she whimpered, burying her face in the crook of his neck, taking in the scent of his cologne and shampoo with that hint of musk. That smell that she'd missed so much. Surprising how some things never changed, it made her so much more comfortable now, just to know this was real. That this really was him no one could ever imitate that. She drew a raspy breath, turning her head on his chest, shutting her eyes tight. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "God, I'm so sorry."

Jesse frowned softly, placing a kiss upon her forehead as he reached a hand up to cradle her head softly, gently. "Shh," he soothed, rubbing her back. "It's all right. You're here now."

"No," she insisted, shaking her head a bit before looking back up at him, her eyes wide and bloodshot from crying, her cheeks streaked with dried tears. "No, it's not all right. I left, I didn't even say good-bye. I should have told you. You deserved an explanation," she said, brushing a piece of hair out of his eyes before running a hand down his cheek, laughing softly, almost sadly as it brushed over the stubble on his chin. "You didn't shave today."

He smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes with his thumb. "Nah," he said with a laugh, "I woke up late."

For a few moments, neither of them said anything about anything to the other, instead, they just stood there, holding each other, enjoying the moment for what it was before. Finally, after what seemed like forever, she pulled away, looking away from him, down at the spot on the carpet, still damp from the beer he'd spilt, and then back up to him again.

"I've missed you so much. So much more than you could ever imagine," he whispered softly, touching her cheek. "I thought that I'd never see you again."

"I think about you every day," she said, her voice soft, just barely a whisper, raspy and sore from crying. "Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did, that I don't regret never getting to say good-bye."

He watched her closely before speaking again, brushing a bit of her hair behind her ear. "Why?" he asked, his voice shaky and scared, tears threatening to fall from his own eyes as he looked at her. "Why did you leave? Why didn't you say good-bye?"

She bit her lip and shrugged. "I don't know," she replied simply. "I guess I was scared, confused. I'd just lost my best friend, and it made me realize that I really could lose you, too. I wanted to say good-bye, but I knew that if I did, if I saw you again, I'd fall in love all over again, and I'd stay. And if I stayed, and I did lose you, I'd have fallen apart." She took a deep breath and shook her head, looking away from him. "I wouldn't have been able to bare losing you like I did Emma."

For a moment, she was silent, just staring at the floor before, crying softly, quietly. "It just seemed easier to distance myself, try to forget about you, and after I did, it seemed so stupid and childish to run away rather than take a risk worth taking, but I couldn't come back, I knew you'd be upset. I always wanted to get in touch, but I didn't know how to do it, what to say."

He frowned thoughtfully and lifted her head. "You have no idea how much you hurt me," he said softly, looking her in the eyes. "To wake up one morning and find out that you'd gone without a word, just that note 'it's for the best.' I felt like I'd lost a piece of myself. I was so angry, Ryann. I tried to move on, to get on with my life, forget about what had happened, it was working for a while, or it seemed like it, at least. But I couldn't do it…" A tear slipped from his eyes and he looked away.

"I'm so sorry, Jesse," she said softly, watching him closely. "I never meant to hurt you. I mean, I knew that I would, but I didn't mean to. It seemed like the best idea at the time, it was stupid, I know."

"Funny how the universe works, huh?" he said with a sad laugh after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. "We haven't seen each other in six years, and here we are. Some random occurrence in a bar in DC has brought us back together. I can't help wondering if it's trying to tell us something, or if it's just trying to fuck me over."

"Don't think like that," Ryann insisted, frowning. "I think it's trying to tell us something," she looked at him sadly. "Maybe running away wasn't the best idea. That we were meant to be together. Stranger things have happened. Can you ever forgive me? Please…"

Jesse sighed, and nodded softly, raking a hand through his hair and stepping back. "Of course I can, Ry," he said lightly. "You're right: Running away wasn't the best idea, but it happened. We're here now, though. So, let's make the best of it."

The next few moments seemed like a total blur to him. He didn't even remember stepping forward and leaning in, all he knew was the feeling of his lips coming, crashing down onto hers, a soft, brief, but passionate kiss. He wasn't able to constrain himself, to hold back, and he didn't expect her to return the kiss. He pulled away slowly, letting his lips linger on her top lip for as long as he could before drawing back completely.

So, needless to say, it had been completely unexpected when she leaned in to kiss him again, gently at first, her lips simply brushing over his, kissing his top and bottom lips several times in turn, before, almost cautiously prying his lips apart with her tongue and deepening the kiss.

They stayed there, just like that, his arms wrapped around her waist, kissing one another for what seemed like forever. He didn't want to pull away, to let this end, he'd missed her kisses. He wanted this to last forever, but eventually, one of them would need to breathe, and he pulled back, looking away.

She frowned. "Sorry," she said softly. "I uh I didn't mean to let that go so far."

He looked at her, canting his head a bit. "It's oka" he didn't even have the chance to finish his sentence before she was picking up her purse.

"I should go," and with that, she was off and he was left there alone again. Waiting, wondering.

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To be continued…. 


End file.
